Almost Left Everyone Then

Poncho:

It was about 10 years ago. I was a young child who was enjoying one of the endless days of summer. I was laying on my belly on an burlap sack. It would have been the third time that I went down that old wooden slide on my stomach. This slide was a monster, probably about 100 years old and two stories high. I heard my mother yelling that it was time to go. I saw my little cousin, who was 5, sliding down ahead of me. I wanted to catch up to her. I wanted to speed down the slide faster that any of us did that day.

I did just that. I speed down the slide as if I was a piece of ice rolling across a frozen pond. With all the excitement, I almost did not realize what happened. I do remember how it felt though when it went through me. I reminded me of that time I step on that nail. It felt exactly the same. The pain did not compare to the shock. Who would of thought that a 9 inch long splinter would have pierced through my skin into my insides.

I think back to that moment in my life ever now and then. What if I did not change my mind at the last second? What if I went down on my stomach like I was going to? That splinter would of pierced my heart, one of my lungs or my stomach. I could have died.

It is weird how one innocent decision was important enough to determine if I lived or died. I was not faced with a decision of life or death, I was just choosing how I should slide down this slide. It was so much more fun on my stomach. Why did I not go down the slide that way, especially since it was my last chance to do so. It is weird. I just instantly turned around and sat on the burlap sack as if it was second nature to me. I can’t explain why I did that. I was already on my stomach ready to slide down. I mean just why or what made me not slide down on my stomach.

Can you imagine?, losing everything at such a young age. Everything that has happened to me since then, was a split second decision from not of happening at all. The people who have laughed with me, loved me, cheered for me, thanked me, appreciated me, and were happy because of me would of never even known me. It is just odd to think about…

-Dave

We are destined to die.

Poncho:

I have done everything that is expected of me. I have not given anything nothing less than 100 percent. I try to be the best at everything I am involved in. I bust my ass to make everyone else happy. No matter what I do, my life seems less and less important everyday. Why am I really here? Why are you really here? Does anything I do really help answer this question?

I look back on everything that has happen in my past. I look forward to what lies ahead. All I see is death. It is hard to keep going when eventually all that you do will only lead you to your death. I could die tomorrow, you could die tomorrow or either of us could die 50 years from now. If you think about it, does it really matter. Think back to when you were 5. At that time you had some much ahead of you, know look how much time has past. How long has it really been. Soon you will be in the last years of your live. How long is a year compared to eternity?

We are only around for a short time. I will never be satisfied with anything in the world. The same holds true for all of us. You might think you are happy but in actuallity you are never happy or completely satisfied. I know I am never satisfied. Maybe that is why nothing seems as great to me as it does to everyone else. Think of your life. Think of what you have done. Think of what you could have done. Think of what you would have done different. Think of what it would of been like to be someone else.

We are involved in a complex world of many people. Most of us will come and go to never of really existed. If no one remembers us than how can we have exist? Just don't worry so much about being your best especially if you don't think it will earn your place in history.

-Evad

Can You Say Box??

Poncho:

I live in a box. A lovely, unique little box. My box is connected to another box which allows me to pass onward to another box which contains a box that belongs to someone else or another box that leads to other boxes. All in all we are all connected by boxes. When I got out at night I wonder who would like my box. I wonder what their box is like. I wonder what it would be like if I had another box. I figured out that I don’t lust or love, I just find someone who would like to reside in my box for any length of time. I really have never liked anyone else’s box except for mine. What is beyond our boxes?

I hate my box. I hate my box. I hate my box. I hate my box. I hate my box. Did I tell you that I hate my box? Or is it that I hate my box? If you need me I will be in my box. For my box is all that I will ever know.

Wouldn’t it be nice to completely destroy your box. Without your box, what would you have? Well you would definently not have a box. I guess my box is not all that bad, it is the only box that I have. Maybe I could do something that could spice up my box. Hey, how would like to have my box. You could reside there just like me. You and I in our own little box. If you wanted we could even make new boxes. What do you think? We can be in it for the boxes. Lets go on and cheer for it. BOX, BOX, BOX, BOX!!!!

-Evad

PS Replace the word box with life and reread it all again. Smile, your box depends on it.

From one day to the next

Poncho:
Some people always say that there is never a dull moment. I tend to disagree on that matter. Every day just seems to be so repetitive. No matter what you do, you always end up getting in some type of trend. I find that rather boring and unmotivating. Why keep doind the same things day in and day out if you are just going to get up and do the same things tomorrow. I can already see what tomorrow has in store for me, waking up, taking a shower, eating a meal a few times, working on a project or writing a paper, laying around, talking to people, going to classes, making people laugh, and whatever else i do everyday. What happens to all the unexpected things? Sure they might be something that you dont expect but it seeme that it is just something that you were suppose to do and just did not get done. I guess this is why most college students drink till they pass out. They just want to spice up those dull and pointless lives. I know I do must days.

Its all about being the best, doing the most, and making the best grades. Who really cares? It is a shame that they is no way out of these expectations. Sure you can just not do anything but who wants to end up working a dead end job? Who wants to struggle through life? All that I am saying is either way you decide to go, life is going to be nothing but constant deadlines. You will go on dreading one to the next. So sit back do what you have to do and enjoy yourself until you pass out.

-Evad

Bury Me

Poncho:

Good friend of mine, I do nothing but ask you of the times we once shared. I do nothing but ask you of the great deeds we once accomplished. I do nothing but ask you of the wonderful people we once knew. I do nothing but ask you of how great everything once was.

Good friend of mine, I do nothing but tell you of the times we once shared. I do nothing but tell you of the great deeds we once accomplished. I do nothing but tell you of the wonderful people we once knew. I do nothing but tell you of how great everything once was.

Good friend of mine, our times have grown old. Our times have been forgotten. Our lives grow less promising every day. Our friends have left us. Our world has speed past us. Our dreams have vanished. Our times are near an end.

Good friend of mine, nothing is left. We sit back and watch our world die. We can stop it. So, good friend of mine tell me of our lives and the people we will soon leave behind.


-Evad

Simple Conversation

Poncho:

I must ask you how life in a bowl is? You must then ask me how life on a ball is? From there I must ask you how the water is? But you responed with how the air is? I must then ask how it feels to be able to see into a world other than your own? While you respond with how does it feel to be incapable of doing the same? Next I ask how does it feel to be completely alone? You then must ask how it feels to be always surrounded by others? Next I ask are you completely happy without any others? Then you ask, well are you completely happy being around others? I then must ask how great your life is? You respond with how lost your world is? I then must end with how much do you know? You finish with how much do you not know?

-Evad

Frozen In Time

Poncho:

I have seen myself frozen in time more than once. I see myself captured, never to be released. Who is that person? What is with the smile? Was I really as happy as my frozen body portrays? It is odd how we have this ability to freeze a moment in time. Now people can see what they have once experienced. But really, how wonderful is this ability of ours? Does it bring more pain than it does pleasure?

I stare into what I use to be, who I used to know, and how things use to be. I wonder if all of it really happened. Nothing remains the same and I have proof of it. I used to love this ability of ours but now I am not too sure. It is just that it seems like each of these frozen moments in time seem so fake. Sure, there are the exceptions but most give us a sense of happiness. That we have always been happy and at this very moment we would be happy if we looked into it as a frozen moment of time. But what if you are not happy?

Either way, I am still addicted to these frozen moments in time. I want to use them to show my life, I want others to see who they might not have known or who they use to know. Looking back life is great, but going through it always has its ups and downs. Too bad we can't live by looking back on what has already pasted.

-Evad

Does it matter if it is good or not????

Poncho:

It always happens, right before my eyes. I can't stop it. I can't control it. It is just that all of the sudden it has completely changed. Sometimes it is big, sometimes it is small. Sometimes it is for the better and sometimes it is for the worse. Everyday I deal with it, some days are easier than others. Some days I can understand what is going on, while there are others where I have no clue of what just happened. Everything changes. My life goes in one direction to the next. Yesterday it was wonderful, today it was dull, tomorrow it may be exhausting, exhilarating, or depressing.

I don't understand why we must endure the rapid fluxuations of life. All I want is to have a purpose. Why are we here? Why must we die? What should we come to enjoy, except, understand? Basically, all that I am saying is what if nothing is expected out of life? What if it just is, always has been, and always will be? We are merely just products of a history of biological development. Maybe we just are.

All that I know is that some days just seem to put me in a mood that makes me feel like everything that I do in my life is just pointless because there is no point. Just existing is enough. Why do more than that when it does not seem necessary???

Does anyone else find it weird that I write to my fish?

-DJ

-- October 26 -- Thoughts

Poncho:

I have never questioned my life as much as I have now. I am beginning to wonder if this is how it will always be. Always searching for an answer, always seeming that there is something missing. What would it be like if I had no worries? What would it be like if I had no responsibilities? How much greater would life be without having to do the things I do? What would it like to be free???

Imagine a life that is free from anything that has ever held you back. You are capable of doing anything you ever dreamed of. You dont have to worry about the reactions to you actions. Death is an unknown concept in this world. Everything that you do is never looked down upon. What has been done has been done and that is all there is to it. You are free to do anything and anything can always be done.

I dreamed of this world. I tried to live in this world but this world is nothing but a dream. For with choices come responsibilities. With responsibilities comes things that hold you back. These things decrease what we wish to enjoy and experience. All these things come in time, it is no wonder why so many people struggle through their years. How can we be happy? Will knowing everything make us happy or is it our emotions that we bring us to true happiness? Maybe we are happy but we hide it with what we dont know.

-Dave

The 6th of October --- My Second Life

Poncho:

Tonight I woke up three years in my past. I was a freshman in college again. Open minded and without a care in the world. I remembered her though. Her memory began to haunt me then as it does now. The difference was that I could not remember her face. I could tell that my path was not the same as it was. I was taking a completely different direction. I meet different people. I went different places. I never meet her when I was supposed to.

I was happy but at the same time empty. There was something missing. I feel the same way as I did before I awoke. I could not figure out anything. I was stepping into the world of insanity. My days became longer as my nights became shorter. I had it all but really it was nothing at all. I was blinded but what I have forgotten. The thing that drove me crazy was that I remembered her.

I wondered what would happen if our paths did cross for the first time again? Would I go out of my way to talk to her at a bar? Would time freeze as she walked by me on the walkway in front of the library? Would we run into each other and make eye contact, then fall in love? If we did, would it be different from what has already been? If so, what could possible be different from before?

This makes me question what was, what could have been, and what will be. As we reflex our past, do we have the power to change our future? Or is it as we fell the future, do we have the power to change our past? For is it our past and memories that makes up life. For a moment is a moment but our past is indefinete. It is full of our memories. How helpless are we when it comes to controlling our lives? It is so hard not to think about what could of been...


-Dave

Tuesday--October 5th-- The Working Mind

1. Poncho:
   
   Tuesday--October 5th
   Why am I here? What makes that things I do so important? How does my life relate to the rest of the world? Am I here to enjoy or I am here to improve the quality of life for those to come? Am I to research and discover life saving vaccines or invent a way to stop the decay of our cells so we can escape the fate of old age? Do people wish that they were me? Does jeaulousy run through the veins of my peers? Will asking questions help me find answers? Does my knowledge just bring me more pain? Is ignorance really bliss? Why most I face the outcomes of my failures? How come everything can't just work out? Why most dissapointments be so common? Does true happiness really exist? Can I live without one of my lungs? Where would I be right now if I did not go to college? Would I have a family? Would I be dead? How big a part does isolation play in evolution? Will the questions ever stop? What would make me feel complete? What am I really looking for in a female? Is it the color of her eyes, the texture of her hair, the figure of her body, the way her words roll off her tongue, the structure of her smile, the way she looks at me, the way our chemical properties react to one another, the way my heart begins to race when I encounter her, or is the fact that I lust and only lust? How many more days will I fell like I am alone? Do memories destroy the excitement of experiences? If I could not remember would my life ever seem dull? Why does no one like to listen to me? What is time anyway? Is it the measure of my presence on this planet or is it one of the dimension that effects the whole universe? Can you really bend light? Who will be the one that shows me the way?
   
   -Dave
   
   p.s. Does anyone really care?
   

Apple Blossom

Empty and without a cause,
My mind is blank and I start to pause,
Nothing can compare to you,
So very unique the things you do,
Looking for something to say,
Has never been with this much delay,
The thoughts of you never pass,
A porcelain goddess made of glass,

They tell me that I should keep going,
Your eyes are blue and always showing,
Now they mention the site of your hair,
My mind explodes it’s too much to bare
That smile of yours is a perfect match,
How can anyone not become attached?
These feeling aside, I still can’t hide,
The thought of us standing side by side.

The Center Of Time

Poncho:

I recently realized that I have journeyed very close to the center of time. At this place everything is frozen. As you travel away time increases as the radius increases. Slowly you rejoin the fast pace of our world, only to notice that so much has pasted you by. As you travel close the the center of time, everything else will continue on as if you are still there. In actually you are stuck in a moment. The world around you passes by leaving you in that moment which you want to experience forever. These journeys are most widely experienced by lovers and parents.
As a lover, who wants to let go of that feeling? Who does not charish the touch of another? Their love brings them to the center of time. Their love becomes all that they see. Everything else is lost, forgotten, and pushed aside. This is how I journeyed to the center of time. More than once actually. Never actually hit the dead center though. If I did I would not be writing this now.
Parents are probably the most common tourists to the center of time. Their children are the reason. Mothers who never want their children to grow up, fathers who hold the experience of laughter, love, and passion so close to their hearts. They are happy in these moments. They don't want anything to change or take away their feelings. They want to experience theses times for all time.
As I speak of moments, I do not speak of just breif periods of time. On my last journey my moment lasted over a year. Some moments will last for decades well others only a few seconds. It depends on how close a moment brings you to the center. To the person experiencing this moment, it may last centuries to them but in reality it could be only seconds. It is hard to measure moments. Mine seemed to last a lifetime, but was actually only a year. Let me tell you, I was lost when I returned.
I believe we all should journey to the center of time. It will help you enjoy a moment for what it is and will teach you not to hold on to that moment but to be ready for the next. From this note, I will leave you.

-Dave

Kim

Kim:

It has been too long. Everyday that passes without out seeing that breath-taking smile of yours, my heart grows weaker and weaker. Where have you been these past few weeks? I have checked almost everywhere but you no where to be found. The other day I traded my only picture of my mom so I could use this computer to write this letter to you. I miss you.
If water were beauty you would be an ocean. When can I see you? I propose that we go on a series of dates. Picnics, sunsets, and long walks holding those delicate hands of yours. I know this will be great because when our hands are together we will be complete. I love you Kim.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you.

With all my heart
Yours truely,

-Dave

Tombstones

Poncho:

I have been eating a lot less lately. The thought about people starving to death has been going through my mind more than ever. Going out that way is not something I want to experience but if you think about it, all of us are starving. This brings back a quote that I learned in economiccs last semester. "In the end we all starve to death." How true is that? In death, everyone is starved from something. Not just in the physical way either. Mentally someone could be dying from something they don't have. Answers to their questions. The possibilites are endless.

I think this quote would be a good thing to have on my tombstone but it is just not original enough for me. In my movie, I am going to have this scene of a character walking through a cementary reading quotes like these on old tombstones. Another quote I want to add in there is "All god's creatures die alone." The scene is going to have a real morbid mood. Which I think is suiting for a place of death.

One more thing, I don't drink water out of tap because it is contaminated.

-DJ

Nothing, Nothing at All

Sometimes there is just absolutely nothing to do. I watched more television in the past two days than I have all summer. It has been nice sitting around and doing nothing, but the more I lay around the more worthless I feel. Well at least I am feeling. So therefore I am not dead. Man I am glad I figured that out. You know what I found funny today? How people like to look at themselves as they walk by something that reflects their image. I was sitting on a bench before class this morning just watching people walk by like I usually do. Behind me was a glass that reflected light at a dark tint. I mean you could barely see yourself in it. I guess it was enough for people to make them want to watch themselves walk by. I sure liked watching everyone walk by. Its not too long before I become captain. Until then though...

Was this meant to be?

There has always been one thing that has always puzzled me a little bit. That thing is free will. Is it really possible that everything is already laid out before us? As we live in the moment, it seems to be that we do have the choice. I know that I believe that I am control of everything I do but is this merely an illusion? I always try to figure it out but I can never come to any logical explanation of if we do have free will or if we don't. It is the past that makes free will so hard figure out. I mean you can't change the past. You have already made a choice and you can't change that. So if we were able to travel back in our past, wouldn't we just do the same thing that already has happened since it has already happened? By traveling in the past, I don't mean any Back to the Future stuff. I am talking about jumping back to a time in your past where you are you, and you are the only you. There you would have no free will. For the future, you can only make one choice so basically there is only one way to go. What you choose is your future and if you only can make one choice there could only be one set path. I don't like that. I like to be in control of my life. I really don't know. I think I am just confusing myself more and more as I keep talking about it.

Think I am going to stick around.

This place will take some time to learn how to modifiy it the way that I exactly want to. At least I made some progress today. On another note, I watched the Royal Tenenbaums for the fifth time today. I can't get enough of that movie. I think the thing about is that it really makes me question life. Which is a good thing in my opinion. It makes me appreciate it so much more. Even if all I am doing is sitting in outside doing absolutely nothing. The movie also keeps me motivated on one of my dreams. To direct a movie. Eventhough I doubt it will ever happen but maybe one day. I have a great idea for a movie. Well it is a semi-idea. Just have the basic theme of the movie. I still am trying to decide on what characters to place in my movie. Hopefully one day I will finish the movie which is about a lost character who is out on his own for the first time. I plan on pointing out all of society's downfalls. Each character will represent a certain downfall or maybe in someone else's opinion it might be one of the great qualities in our society. Hopefully one day you will be the one to decide...

My blog is born...

I don't know if I really want to keep this as my blog. I would rather design and edit my blog on my own time but I don't think that I will have the aviable free time that is required to do so. I guess for know this will do. The rest of my day I am probably going to mess around with a design that I might like better. Hopefully I can come up with something since I rather have some unique. I like my creations better than anything else. Plus there are probably about thousand people who have this same layout. I think this service is nice and very easy to use. I could save lots of time and still be satisfied with it. Well lets see how the day goes.